Rejected Onion Headlines (That Definitely Should’ve Been Rejected)
Trying and Trying Again…
Every time Clickhole and The Onion are looking for new contributing writers apply, and every time, I get rejected.
Currently, I’m working on new headlines for Clickhole and thought it would be a helpful exercise to review the headlines I last submitted for The Onion.
Some of them are surprisingly good. Some of them are just headlines. Hopefully, my next batch is better :)
Headlines:
- Snoop Dogg Doesn’t Feel Like Getting High Today
- Dad Won’t Shut Up About Pad Thai From Neighborhood Applebee’s
- Spider-Man Caught, Then Released Outdoors By Cup & Paper-Man
- Houseplant Frankly Tired Of Meeting New Siblings Every Week
- Lonesome Movie Can’t Remember Last Time It Was Streamed To Completion
- Oakland Man In Jail For Marijuana Possession Honored To Have Been Locked Up By First Black Woman VP Candidate
- Wambulance Arrives At Scene Of Bullying Too Late
- Dog Could Eat Kibbles Every Day If He Had To
- Man Addicted To Sugar, Alcohol, Porn & His Phone Afraid He’s Addicted To Sugar
- Man At Art Museum Fulfils Desires Of Woman In Watercolor Longing To Be Touched
- Eldest Child Banking On One Of Younger Siblings Being The Responsible Adult
- Area Man Has Lower Ribs Surgically Removed So He Can Finally Eat His Own Ass
- Artificial Intelligence Deeply Insulted By Human Doing “The Robot” Dance
- St. Louis Arch Afraid It Will Never Be As Beautiful As McDonald’s Golden Arches
- Man Has Sex Multiple Times So He Can Last Longer When Jacking Off Later
- Humanity Sets Aside Differences To Save Species From Extinction By Pumping Breaks On Industrial Revolution
- Child Filled With Deep Sense Of Purpose After Realizing Reason They Were Born Was So Mom Could Stop Working
- Man Contemplatively Reading Poem Has No Clue Where Last Idea Ended And New One Started
- Black Man’s Presence In Neighborhood Less Frightening Since Getting A Dog
- Struggling Artist Clearly Lacking Parents With Influence
